Holding out for a hero

I had a date the other night and I knew going into it that the guy was really into me, but that I don’t really see much potential there. I thought I would give it a try since we would be an awesome power couple. My friends overreacted and told him and me how much they liked him and I found it ridiculously awkward considering they seemed to like him more than I did.

Afterwards I talked to the most adamant admirer of my date and explained that I didn’t think he would fit my lifestyle of having a home base but still doing quite a bit of traveling. I’ve just seen a friend’s marriage dissolve over this particular issue and I feel very confident that that is something I should look out for. My friend shocked me by saying ‘oh well of course he doesn’t fit your lifestyle, but you’re delusional to think that anyone would’.

Ouch.

I feel so lucky that I’ve traveled so much and have enough life experience to know that that simply is not true. I am not delusional in thinking that there is someone else out there who would like to travel throughout their lives. In fact I would say most of the world looks more like me than most of my friends who have lived in the same town for their whole lives.

So I told my friend that I disagreed with her and that I would show them all. And I truly believe that I’m right. And even if I’m not, for me being with someone who does not fit into my life would be more of a burden than being single. So I’m holding out for a hero.

Goodbye England

I feel obligated to write a post about leaving England, but I’m finding the whole thing emotionally overwhelming. I have spent a year and a half in Bristol and it has become a second home to me. My life has become so enriched by the friends I’ve made here, the cultures I’ve been exposed to and the reconnection I have made with music as a result of living here.

I am going to miss my life here. One friend asked me why I keep telling people I might come back, and I think it’s just because it makes it easier to say goodbye.

I’ve had a wonderful last morning with a friend who came and had breakfast with me and helped me to the bus to the airport. It made the leaving that much easier. I am starting to get a bit excited about actually living in the States again. I always have been a fan of new beginnings, and at this point of my life I have so many unknowns ahead of me.

I am considering taking an organic farming course in India in September (if I finish grad school by then) from Dr. Vandana Shiva who is an idol of mine. After that I have no idea what will happen, but that is a huge part of why I am moving back to California right now. One thing I have missed in England is the innovative spirit of America. I know it sounds cliché, but it’s something I always notice when I leave the States.

There is so much happening in terms of climate change research in the Bay Area right now and I am hoping that by being around like-minded people some wonderful opportunities will emerge for me as a way of moving forward.

Here’s to a new day!

Living in ecstasy

It’s pretty funny that my previous post was entitled ‘What’s eatin’ you?” considering I currently have food poisoning.

That being said, I have just had one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I guess I would say it was spiritual in nature.

I was hoping to go to a friend’s gig tonight, but instead I’m…well I’m carrying out the behaviors associated with food poisoning. Anyway, I was cleaning up the bathroom very carefully even though I’m still ill and then I sat down to meditate to try to get to a more comfortable state. As I did that I thought “God, I don’t know if you exist, but if you do I want to thank you for giving me the strength to take care of myself”. At that moment I felt an amazing presence and I felt like my late father was hugging me. It absolutely overwhelmed me.

I’ve never laughed so hard I cried before, but in the moments following that feeling that’s all I could do. It was like everything became illuminated and I felt what can only be described as ecstasy.
When we have moments like this it can be hard to come crashing back down to reality. But I think it helps just knowing what the feeling was and having that sense of unity and knowing that you are absolutely never alone if you don’t want to be.

Tags: ecstasy, experiences, food poisoning, gig, presence, unity

What’s eatin’ you?

run, pacman, run!, originally uploaded by Valkin.

It’s been over a month since my last post. Things got absolutely crazy in December with work, and friend drama. Things have been going really well with work and I’m hoping to send off a chapter for a compiled volume tomorrow and submit an article for publication in a couple of weeks!

When I returned to Bristol absolutely everything had changed. 2012 has just been steeped in chaos so far, but I feel like I’ve handled it well and it seems to be leading to good changes and real growth. Career-wise, as usual, things seem to be going well. There’s not much happening in my personal life, but compared to the chaos of my friends’ lives I consider that a blessing.

I did manage to go to a nutritionist over the holidays and he urged me to start eating meat again, so that’s what I’ve chosen to do. I’ve never been one to eat a lot of protein so I figure I might as well try that on for size and see how it suites me. I’ve also had to cut out cow’s milk, but really I’ve only just cut down. One interesting effect of not eating cheese though has been that my dreams have become calmer! I usually really struggle in them and seem to always be working on something, but now I feel like I can occasionally just relax in my dream. It’s quite a nice change.

This phenomenon combined with my research has got me wondering, is it possible religion is the product of our ancestors’ cracked out cheese dreams?  Hahah just a thought…

Right now I’m planning to return to the States in April. I’m not sure if I will try to come back to Bristol, I never can tell, but it looks like I will try to find a permanent job in the US and begin my actual adult life at the age of 27.

Fun times ahead I hope!

Tags: 2012 shift, dreamer, dreams, eating right, new beginnings, nutrition, vegetarian

Change for a Dollar

Absolutely Beautiful: Change for a Dollar ~ from thisisme1234.

A theme for me lately has been to take more action. I did recently share an idea I have been mulling over with the folks over at TED in response to their  The City 2.0 project. I’m hoping that at least a small part of my ideas will find their way into the mix of what components will be important in their redesigned city.

I actually had no idea about this project, but I have had a similar idea I have been working on just as a personal project for years now and someone told me to make a suggestion for City 2.0. It’s funny how things can develop in ways beyond your imagination. I hope that a lot of good comes out of the TED project. I think it is so important to start tackling real world problems from the standpoint of a think tank community. This particular project will take advantage of funding in order to facilitate communication and the development of ideas from top researchers in many different fields. It’s exactly the sort of thing I’ve been dreaming about. It will be interesting to see where it all leads!

One Hundred Posts of Solitude

That’s right this is post number 100!

I can’t believe how much has changed, and what has stayed the same, since the beginning of this blog in January 2010.

Some things change…I managed to get my visa to the UK and am now considering staying here for an extra 2-3 years! Music has come back into my life in a big way to the point where I can call myself a musician. In fact my first ever singing performance is tomorrow! My godson who I posted about on his first day in this world is now over a year old and I’ve managed to be a part of his life despite being thousands of miles away. I’ve started a journey in lucid dreaming. I’ve travelled with a friend to Budapest, Copenhagen and Prague. I’ve walked on the streets of Venice and Pompeii. I’ve seen Stonehenge. I’m starting to look for jobs after four years of being a PhD student/candidate, a point at times I thought I would never get to for various reasons. I’ve learned to butcher pigs and have become, unbecome and become a vegetarian (who would travel to Eastern Europe and not eat goulash?).

Some stay the same…There is a person that I thought I would have forgotten by now, but haven’t. There is a person I thought I would miss more with time, but haven’t. I’m still passionate about climate change and sustainable food issues. And I am still supported by amazing friends.

(It’s actually nice to see how much longer the change list is than the staying the same list. Maybe I am making progress in life.)

But speaking of amazing friends the other day I had another major realization as a result of having a very comforting conversation with a friend. Again these realizations are often things that seem obvious, but take time to really learn and feel.

 The idea was that the reason things have not worked out with many of the men I have been interested in or dated is because they were often the type of people who wanted things to be perfect. If you are with a person that you feel you can’t express yourself with, then that feeling can gnaw away at you. That person is also missing out on allowing you to feel closer to them and trust them. It’s a shame, but it happens all the time. I’m probably guilty of it as much as the next person. At least now I know what to look out for.  I just need to keep in mind that close friends and loved ones should be people with whom you feel you can express your  ’negative’ as well as ‘positive’ emotions.

Oh also I actually did hear back from my hero! He wrote back with some excellent advice and encouragement. I think I’m well on my way to being a part of the solution when it comes to addressing issues of sustainability.

So here’s to 100 posts! And Happy early Halloween!

 

Tags: 100 posts, blogging, Drive soundtrack, growing up, life change, life changing

Change is Gonna Come

Yesterday the first email I read was a tribute to Steve Jobs. That was the first I had heard the news that he had passed away.

Although I do have a sense of loss with his passing I mostly feel more inspired than ever to move into the future with innovation in mind. These days I often feel like screaming ‘wake up America!’ while reading the news.  There are so many petty arguments going on in the political sphere while the nation seems to be crumbling around us. When I flew into Tampa a few weeks ago, after being out of the country for 9 months, it broke my heart to see how many panhandlers and people lined up at soup kitchens there were. It didn’t really hit me until then how bad things have become.

I feel like it’s time for us to forget about politicians and see what we can do as citizens to repair our nation’s economy, whether it be through the start of innovative, green businesses, learning new skills or taking action through non-violent protest.

I refuse to sit back and watch us slowly slide into oblivion or become complacent with regards to our position in the world as former world leaders have done, and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

As we find ourselves surrounded by messages of the incredible, inspiring life Steve Jobs led I hope we find inspiration within ourselves to listen to the voices inside of us that say ‘what I am doing is not enough’. Rather than sit back and complain about the state of our country it is up to us to make real changes. I think that starts by ‘following your bliss‘ as Joseph Campbell said.

Yesterday I was inspired to contact someone I have admired for  years. He is the one person that I have met who has taken a career path that I could see myself taking. I asked him for advice on how he got to where he is now and hopefully he will be kind enough to respond. But of course if that falls through at least now I am one step closer to realizing my vision just by finding something concrete to link it to.

I hope we can all find the courage to take the necessary steps to realize our dreams. For me it’s about environmental innovations and changing our relationship with agriculture, but it could be anything.

The bottom line is we need to stop being a nation that sits back and accepts that things will always be as they are, because things are changing. The world is changing whether we want to admit it or not. The way we live our lives now will not be the same way we live twenty or even ten years from now. We cannot go back to the way things were. The decisions we make now will determine whether we are moving towards a new era of innovation and wonder, or to our own demise.

Either way it is time to move on.

Tags: American economy, green business, green economy, The economy

Let’s see…

I’m a bit behind on blog posts because I was on a little Europe tour for a couple of weeks.

It was amazing. I met up with friends I had made in New Zealand, Florida and California in Copenhagen, Denmark. I absolutely love when random things like that fall into place. My favorite Copenhagen moment was just riding a bike out to the coast. The sky was gray and the sea was black and we waited out the rain in a cozy, modern cafe eating pizza and drinking wine looking out at the boats in the marina. It was absolutely beautiful.
Each place my friend and I traveled to was more amazing than the last. We flew in to Prague and took the train from there through Slovakia to Budapest. Hungary ended up being the 27th country I’ve traveled to and it was just before my 27th birthday, which is tomorrow!

Another great thing about the trip was that I managed to book us amazing apartments on only-apartments.com.

I can’t say enough wonderful things about traveling that way.  You get to actually stay in a neighborhood rather than in a hotel that is situated in a touristy, often more expensive part of whatever city you happen to be in. The website is made up of a network of landlords all around the world and the apartments tend to be CHEAPER than hotels. I think most of the time we ended up paying $60/night. Did I mention you get a private apartment?! There really is no other way to travel. I’m planning to go back to the Budapest apartment as soon as I get the chance.

My only word of caution would be to check out the comments for your specific apartment and see what people said about the landlord. I had no problems with mine and it was nice having a contact in the city to make arrangements like calling me a taxi to the airport (this is especially nice when you don’t speak the language).

Overall the best thing about the trip was definitely the food (when is it not right?). We managed to hit up a couple of incredible, Michelin recommended restaurants.

I didn’t even know what that meant before this trip, but I’m glad I know now! My favorite meal night was probably the last night in Prague on a rooftop terrace at one of these restaurants called Coda. The theme was music, which of course I loved. It was a classy joint overlooking the city at sunset…with 80′s music playing in the background haha. It was amazing. The food was to die for.

Thankfully they got my order wrong (it ended up being what I really wanted anyway) and to make up for it they gave us a box of chocolate truffles! We went to a nearby bar and paired the chocolates with port. It was incredible!

As I was traveling I also managed to tie up a lot of loose ends in my love life and I feel like I’m creating space for a new relationship…but there’s no rush . Anyway that’s a story for another time.

Eventually I will post at least a few pictures from the trip…

 

I’ve been thinking about you

‘Eventually, you get to the place in life where you are moving toward what you want faster than you are away from what you fear.’

-Mark Austin Thomas

I am currently in a friend’s apartment in Copenhagen. I’m anticipating the arrival of another old friend tomorrow and managed to meet up with friends from California yesterday. It is amazing how now on my travels I seem to be surrounded by friends I have made all over the world in random places like Copenhagen.

I hope this is a sign of things to come.

æææ

In other news I have decided that I would like to become a professional writer/musician. Let’s see how I make that happen.

Look Ma No Heart!

Oh wow I definitely thought today was Sunday. Well it’s a bank holiday here so I feel like that still counts.
Things are going well. I’m working on a publication on my research and gearing up for some major travelling. I will be travelling in Europe and Florida for the entire month of September. I cannot wait.

In my inner personal life I’m noticing that I keep coming across the same issue over and over again. People/books are always telling me to open up and express my feelings. And I keep telling them that I honestly don’t even know what that means.

I mean are we supposed to be feeling things all the time? Sometimes I feel a lot, and maybe that’s when I need to tell people…but what about the rest of the time? How am I supposed to check that off my list if I’m not really feeling anything at all. What is it I’m supposed to share that will make people feel closer to me?

For instance at times I notice that my silence can make people pretty nervous. They want to know what I’m thinking. But most of the time I’m not thinking anything at all, I’m just listening to what they are saying. That’s all. Other times I’m thinking about something completely unrelated, which would not be helpful to bring up in the middle of a discussion.

I don’t know what it is people are expecting from me, but I don’t think they’re going to find it.

158/365: I seem to have lost my heart…, originally uploaded by pong0814.